Watching Myself and Krishnamurti – Part One


K at Brockwood gathering, 1974

K at Brockwood gathering, 1974


This series of posts continues last year’s Krishnamurti and Coastal Path sequence –   which you will find under Catagories in the sidebar.   Krishnamurti is perhaps the deepest and most prevailing influence in my life.   I want to go on watching and walking with him in my blog.   Actually, these thoughts should be titled “Watching Myself and my Father and Krishnamurti.”  Peter went to K’s first UK gatherings in Wimbledon in the early 1960s, and returned to Somerset all fired up.  I was eleven or twelve at the time.  My teens were dominated by his teacher K, whose iconoclastic thoughts he practiced on his family at mealtimes.   Thus, my difficult windows to life were kept wide open – a love-hate paradox of awakening.   


The Refugee with a Silver Spoon

I’ve been reading Lives in the Shadow with JK.  This book was lost for a year, then I found it in a cupboard.   K is my “spiritual thriller” again – next I can re-read the books by Lady Emily and Mary.   I wanted last year, to complete the Watching Krishnamurti series, with a post based around the shock of Lives when it plopped into our pond in 1991/2.  It was during the early days of Ramana Foundation UK.  I think the best raw material for this post, might be the letters my father and I wrote to each other about it.

It is a pity Radha Schloss doesn’t quote any of K’s letters to her mother directly – just relays what was in them.  Perhaps there was a legal knot there, which K or Rajagopal (her father) would have tied up tight in KWINC (Krishnamurti Writings Inc).

I just reached where the K/Rajagapol quarrel starts to be particularly distressing and breaks the heart.  How fragile and easily poisoned are peoples’ lives in the soul.   I feel scant sympathy for K during it.  He was being wagged by his Theosophical training, which he denied.   He talked all the time about Fear, and he couldn’t turn to face his own fear process, it was somehow barred to him.  He couldn’t face Amma Besant in his background.   He lied to Rosalind and to his loved ones.   The early training as the Vehicle, would fracture him into two or three continental particles without a communal nucleus to bond them.

K with his 'theosophy parents' Leadbeater and Mrs Besant

K with his ‘theosophy parents’ Leadbeater and Mrs Besant, late 1920s


K experienced life so intensely, that the memory base for situations and countries he was not standing in right now, had no relevance.

It makes no difference to the wisdom he often spoke, and his tender observations on relationships which inspire me to this day.  I said to my father once that people want the icing on the cake without the currants, sugar and flour of the cake itself.   That is how people regard spirituality – anaemically.   Now I have the whole fruitcake!

Lives in the Shadow:  Lives in the Soul:  the bow-wave builds up an enormous contrary force, when there is denial somewhere.   I don’t mean just denial of the love affair with Rosalind Rajagopal, which in those days had to be handled discreetly.  I mean the denial and refusal – or inability – to face his friends and tell the truth about many things:  also the way he – or the compromised Avatar through him – manipulated the sugar icing.

It is the old story of power and everyone deferring to him, believing him to be beyond reproach.   What is the end result?   Henry VIII, Head of the Church, in some form or other!

K was a lonely man when he died.   He thought no one had understood what he said.  He cut himself off from hearing the truth with souls who were close to him.   It was his destiny, Maitreya trained; his hatred for Theosophy was understandable.   It made him unable to reconcile his revolutionary teaching with what the Vedas say eternally.   It cut the roots.   Wherever he went, he was a refugee with a silver spoon.  The silver spoon is the primordial and ageless wisdom.   He could not and would not cast it away.   He expected everyone else to cast it away, and to follow him.

Here follows my father’s poem –  Follow My Leader!

In childhood’s time
we form in a line
and love to play follow my leader. 

As youth comes on 
we sing the same song
and still play follow my leader. 

Sisters and brothers, 
fathers and mothers, 
all love to follow a leader.  

This fact in our life 
leads often to strife, 
for a wise man is seldom a leader 

and he who follows
knows only the shallows; 
his is the way of a pleader.

They only are strong 
who break from the throng
and make life itself their teacher. 

So if you would 
be a real man alive, 
please listen to this, gentle reader: 

Stand on your own, 
face life alone 
and never play follow my leader.

Peter  Adams
North Devon, 1980s

There is “an independent science“.


Peter & Jane  copy

And here, in 1992, is some correspondence.  Peter wrote to me:

“Have finished the Radha Schloss book.  It was quite a shock, but good to have read it.  Shock not in K’s affairs with women (I had guessed this, and was aware on an interchange between him and a lovely Indian girl sitting by me once in Wimbledon), but in his deceptions and fears and anger, and in that ridiculous and protracted and unseemly court case.  But if you look at some of the early and late photographs, you can see it all there – an arrogance in youth, and an old woman’s petulance in age.  So it was his Karma you might say, which he did not master. 

“I think Radha did not quite understand him about memory.  You cannot blot memory out, but by disregarding and not using it, it rusts, becomes dulled.  When K said he had no memory, he meant he did not pull it out, look at it, use it.  It was there, but quiet, and so in time very faded.  What he meant was that memories of childhood had for him no significance.  Sensitively written on the whole, and certainly a very just squaring of a very fancy picture.

“It is much to her credit that Radha made nothing of the late Mary Zimbalist affaire, of which she could have been very bitter, as Mrs Z took over her old home and re-vamped it in very expensive style.  Radha only refers to her as Mrs ——- which I thought was admirably restrained.   Love to you and all – Peter.”


I wrote back:

“… re Radha Schloss and Krishnaji’s memory!  – Yes, he didn’t pull it out & look at it, also I feel that the dimension of Krishnaji as a whole outside Time, put forth pseudopodia or parts of K-self into time, and Time is a fragmenting situation.

“Consciousness (my view) has great difficulty in remaining integrated in the context of Time which is generated by the world (and which is so easily upset.)  Consciousness forgets parts of itself, as if those parts don’t exist, because Krishnaji-Consciousness cannot be wholly present in the temporal form.  So not only did he not use memory, but also symptomatically he appeared to deceive people, because he couldn’t remember or wasn’t interested in who they or others individually were, or had done on this or that side of the ocean.  The In-tense is HERE.  So this caused confusion and conflict around him.  Though – interestingly – he maintained a continuum of constant letter writing between different regions of the world, with the Lutyens, with Rosalind, with various others.  It reminds me a little of Jim Ede’s mania of correspondence – Jim and K born in the same year more or less, there were 4 planets in Gemini including Pluto – an awful lot of letter writing in the sign of the Twins! 

“The Consciousness generates local conflict as a sort of breaking of the water or molecular lattice of life.  K – most remarkably I feel – undertook to be in a relationship with conflict, and stayed in the thick of it all:  the dense Western mindset.  He didn’t retire off to a cave and loincloth, as he many times wished to do (romantically perhaps).

K dissolves the Order of the Star, late 1920s

K dissolves the Order of the Star, late 1920s – “I maintain that truth is a pathless land...”


“The court case K v Rajagopal, agonizing and futile as it is to read about (it made me cry) is an instance of the discomfort of life and consciousness when mixed.  The pain pangs in the very long term, bring forth Fruit.  K had an enormous interest in conflict.  He stayed with and in it, as with a wild animal, looking into it.  I feel that everyone involved in the case was stretched to their own capacity.  I found it painful but very salutary to read this book.  It gave an added depth to my K picture.  It showed me how saintliness is forcibly projected onto people like K – and it limits them grotesquely.

“But the measure of greatness or truth is not success or being ‘totally pure’, for these are value judgments.  There is the whole impact of K –  his thereness – which made me feel much compassion with him, and with everyone who knew him – including myself by proxy, because I feel what happened in every life which contacted his.

“There is some strange, long-term alchemy in K being dropped into the waters of the dark century – this era.  How could he not generate upheaval and white waters?  What do people want, the icing on the cake?  In myself, it was (with difficulty) to hold simultaneously the treasure-distillation of K, with the monstrous pain of that litigation … as TRUE.

“So I’m very glad to have shared this book with you, because it seems many people flung up their hands in dismay – just as they did when he cut the theosophical umbilicus.   They wanted to see only one side of the cube – But there are 6 sides …

“Have you noticed that K’s head shape bears a remarkable resemblance (type) to representations of Siva and Buddha?   Much love from Jane.”


K at Rishi Valley

K at Rishi Valley


Peter replied,

“Interesting is what you say about only parts of a total consciousness precipitating in time, and therefore never a whole functioning.  This would suggest considerable discomfort and tension, even conflict.  I have not your fascination for reincarnation or other lives of being conscious, being too pre-occupied with somehow trying to live accurately now, and to come to grips with the facts;  but I would love to know.  

“Perhaps I left an important part up there or down there, and am finding it difficult to manage.  As I said to Mary when she mentioned I seemed to be making some progress –  I really need to, because I started much further down the ladder than most!

“Yes – you could say Peter is an alchemist, in that realising that everything is the expression in different ways of the same energy, he is basically given to trying to transmute base energy into higher energy.  That is the human task.

“I like very much what you write about K.  Very perceptive, although I never gathered from anything that he ever wanted to retire to a cave and a loin-cloth.  Quite the reverse.  His dialogues with people were meat and drink to him, and speaking/teaching was life or living for him. 

“Yes he was interested in conflict as a human problem, but I am still astonished how easily he seems to have become involved himself.  I do not follow this.  Was it an attempt at a crucifixion?  an experiment?  a mistake?  Or did it just happen?  He does seem to have ridden on a very wobbly bicycle a lot of the time.

“I really like your challenge – ‘what do people want, the icing on the cake?’ – that is good.  Few people can stomach real cake, they have not the digestion. 

“Yes – there is a resemblance to the portrayals of Gautama.  Large, finely shaped ears with prominent lobes are one of the body marks of a Buddha, as are the finely chiselled features and the rounded limbs – the rather effeminate body.  I was interested in the photograph in the Radha book of K at the sea holding a sunhat behind his head – breasted and rounded, he might almost be woman.  And like most men with much woman in them, he craved the company of women – not just physically, but because woman is profounder, more direct, more in contact with fundamental energy. 

“Yes – I am pleased to have read the book, which has given me a plateful of cake with the icing I have always carried about.   

“By the way, somewhere I think in one of the Commentaries, he just mentions that he is walking on that path that was once trodden by ‘the greatest teacher of them all.’  I believe K was much influenced in his early studies, by the teaching of the Buddha – his teaching fundamentally is Zen Buddhism, and I have wondered (I am sure he wondered) if he was an incarnation of the Buddha.  This frequent talk of his being the vehicle for a tremendous energy sent down to earth, puts him in line with the Gurdjieff teaching of Higher Beings trying to direct and influence humans, which all links up with the Catholic speaking of angels and spirits.   In fact, quite a lot of my discarded – but still there – early (Catholic) teaching I find turns up in one form or another in quite astonishing places.  Wouldn’t K be surprised!

“The last book of dialogues I bought, and am just launched into, is terrific stuff.  A great deal of very direct, punchy talk, right from the centre.  It is as good as anything.  You must read it. 

“Have just done 3 days sitting quite successfully (vipassana).  Some interesting things came up.  They don’t stay with me, but the affect does.  It is significant.  The legs protested and were often an agony.  The body is a mixed blessing, but is here to be loved.  I do not find we are anything without it.”


Peter at Ventonwyn - 1956

Peter at Ventonwyn – 1956





My adventure invites fellow travellers.  I am a poet, an artist and a seer.  I welcome conversation among the PHILO SOFIA, the lovers of wisdom.

This blog is  a vehicle to promote also my published work – The Sacred India Tarot (with Rohit Arya, Yogi Impressions Books) and The Dreamer in the Dream – a collection of short stories (0 Books). Watch this space.

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All art and creative writing in this blog is copyright © Janeadamsart 2012. May not be used for commercial purposes. May be used and shared for non-commercial means with credit to Jane Adams and a link to the web address

8 thoughts on “Watching Myself and Krishnamurti – Part One

  1. I really Like the paragraph, on the human task, and Peters poem . The two portraits of Mr. K, together are very in-tense.

  2. I liked this very much. I wanted to say more but I will keep it simple because your writing about K has been so interesting. I wish someone would do a grown up kids book about K and his history. I think you could do it quite well. For children like me who want to curl up with a good bedtime story I can read in parts.

  3. You have a lot of sketches and paintings of Krishnamurti on you blog, are any of them for sale? Where did you get them from? I’m interested in Krishnamurti inspired art.
    Thank you.

    • Hi, Paul. The sketches of K are all mine, some of them done this year. I haven’t any plans for selling them yet, but am happy for you to print out the ones you like for yourself. If you pass them on/use them for a book, be sure to acknowledge and let me know. If you want to buy any, we could discuss.

  4. Hi Jane,
    I’m working on Krishnamurti’s teachings new website in Hebrew…
    I saw this wonderful painting of K at the top of this blog post, and I’d like
    to ask your permission kindly for using it in our site…
    We have all the permissions needed from the Krishnamurti Foundation Trust.
    -Lior Fiterstein

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